All Through The Night

Normally when my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep for the night. It's rare that anything - even my often crazy dreams - interrupts my sleep. But early this morning, that's exactly what happened, and I knew the instant I awoke that something was not right.

Thankfully, I can't remember most of the nightmare - a few things still remain in my memory - but suffice to say that I awoke suddenly at about 3:00 am with my heart pounding heavily and a palpable sense of fear surrounding me. Although my eyes opened immediately and, although I could somewhat see my surroundings and I knew I was in my bed, it still felt a little like I was in the dream.

I knew I couldn't just go back to sleep - if I closed my eyes, I would be right back in the middle of it. So I just started quietly singing - with a quivering voice - the first worship song that came to mind. "Jesus, all for Jesus, all I am and have and ever hope to be..." By the time I had sung through the song, I had calmed a little but my heart was still pounding.

I continued singing, songs that focused on the name of Jesus, because I know that just saying His name has a powerful impact in these kind of situations. Once my heart was beating normally again, I began to pray aloud. I claimed the truth that God's Holy Spirit lives within me and was present right there in the room with me, and I thanked God for His strength, sovereignty, power, omniscience, and anything else I could think of. I prayed for protection over friends and family and asked for a covering of peace over me so that I could rest easily until it was time for me to get up. I read Psalm 121 in both English and Russian and sang quietly, "I lift my eyes up...to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from You, Maker of heaven, Creator of the earth..."

Finally, it felt like the darkness and oppression I had experienced in the dream had lifted and I could no longer keep my eyes open, so I prayed for God to watch over my mind and then I rolled over and immediately went back to sleep. I think I had probably been awake for about 40 minutes.

Praise the Lord, I slept peacefully until I got out of bed about 4 hours later! I don't even remember what thoughts went through my mind or if I dreamed anything after that point. But I was very conscious of the sweet, comforting presence of my Lord surrounding me. It was almost as though His arms were literally holding me as I slept.

I believe that what happened in the wee hours of this morning was a spiritual attack of the enemy. I don't know why or what precipitated it - but I could clearly sense a spirit of darkness in the dream and in the moments after I awoke. And I battled it as best I could with the power of prayer, worship and God's Word.

Ephesians 6:11-12 says this: "Put on all the armor that God gives you, so that you will be able to stand up against the devil's evil tricks. For we are not fighting against human beings but against the wicked spiritual forces in this world; the rulers, authorities and cosmic powers of this dark age."

We know that our enemy will attack - but we often don't know when or how. So we must have our armor at the ready. The Spirit of God within me helped me to recognize what was really going on and I am so thankful for all the songs and Scripture I have memorized so that I did not have to think hard about where to begin to combat the darkness that was surrounding me.

Jesus Christ has won the victory over our enemy and through His blood and by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can win every spiritual battle. I hate to have my sleep interrupted, but I am thankful that I woke up when I did and was able to find peace for my spirit again.

My closing thought is a remembrance of a little song my mom used to sing to us at bedtime when we were children - especially when we had trouble sleeping:

Jesus is with me all through the night,

Stays close beside me all through the night;

So I sleep safely till morning light;

Jesus is with me all through the night.

Struggle and Rest

You may be asking why I put two opposing words together in the title -- it's because they are both necessary to the Christian journey and they often go hand-in-hand.

For the last several weeks, I've been struggling with questions about purpose and feelings of not being useful or needed, particularly in regard to the ministry I'm currently involved in. It's been on my mind constantly, and I've been praying much about it, but for the majority of the time, I've been praying that God would give me what I felt I needed most.

I shared this with a few people I trust and asked them to pray for me also, especially as I waited for an opportunity to discuss this and consider what the best resolution is.

As I've been waiting and praying and reading God's Word, I've noticed the tone of my attitude changing from "please make it easier for me" to "give me the peace to accept Your will for me."

I meet via Skype with my parents and several other couples and individuals for a Bible study every Thursday morning (Wednesday evening in BC, Canada), and we are studying the book of Hebrews. Last week, the theme of the study was "rest," and that really spoke to me. I want to share with you a few of the insights I gleaned from that:

• There are different kinds of rest - there's physical rest, mental/emotional rest and spiritual rest - and we need these different kinds of rest in our lives. In a symphony, all the instruments don't play all the time. The rests are intended to accentuate the music, and similarly, the periods of rest in our lives are necessary to fully appreciate the rest of what we do.

• The Sabbath rest is a picture of our rest in Christ at salvation - the work of salvation is complete and there is nothing we need to do in regard to that. The Canaan rest (the rest that God had promised to His people) is a rest of claiming our inheritance in Christ - a rest of submission. Submission is a process - we don't give up everything at once; we may be able to rest in one context, and then in another way later on.

• Hebrews 4:11 says that to enter that "rest of submission", we need to give due diligence/make every effort/do our best. We need to work hard at giving things up to God, and we must give it our best effort.

• Hebrews 4:12 describes the Word of God and the picture of separating soul and spirit is important - God is the only One who can separate us from the things we want to hold onto and what we struggle with. The soul - our will and emotions - is what needs sanctifying. It's important to remember that while it may be painful, we are NOT being separated from God or His love, but rather from the things that hold us back from truly "resting" in Him.

Therefore, today when I had my ministry evaluation meeting and it was communicated to me that this time is intended to be a time of learning and that I don't need to strive so hard to "do something in order to feel useful," my heart had been softened to the point that I was able to submit to his leadership and accept his advice for me.

In the devotional from Joni Eareckson Tada today, I read these words:
Everyone enjoys the idea that God's plans for His children are to prosper them and not harm them, to give hope and a future, bright with possibilities. Yet God gave this invigorating and encouraging promise (Jeremiah 29:11) to inspire the captives. They were not to lose heart. One day, the Lord would deliver them and bring the nation back to Jerusalem. Despite the heartbreak of captivity, God's purpose was not to harm His people. Yes, they would feel the sting of slavery and hardship, but it ultimately meant a prosperous future.

God's purpose for our lives is usually discovered through the process of struggle and surrendering our will and desires to Him. And when we do, we discover incredible peace and rest in Him. One of my new favourite songs by Tenth Avenue North illustrates this when it says:

Hallelujah, we are free to struggle. We're not struggling to be free. Your [Christ's] blood bought and makes us children - children, drop your chains and sing!

So even though I will still struggle sometimes, I can be at rest in God.

PACKING & PREPARATIONS

Well, almost a month since my last post -- I intend to make my postings more frequent once I am in Ukraine and having lots of new experiences!

What a journey I have been on these past few months, preparing to leave for my first 2-year-term overseas! I'm thankful for the experiences I had in travelling to Lithuania in 2008, and then to Ukraine last June, because they have prepared me somewhat for the process of packing...but it's still challenging!

I'm taking mostly just the basics as far as clothing, a few books, my laptop (of course!) and a few personal items. One suitcase is fully packed (after 4 times of unpacking and re-packing), and the second one is almost finished -- I'm finally starting to feel the excitement and the reality of my impending journey!!

I am so thankful for Esther Lang, a special friend in my church here in Ashcroft, BC -- she has made several trips to Ukraine, and her experiences and knowledge are a huge blessing to me! God knows exactly what we need and He is so good to put people into our lives who can help us along.

Emotionally and mentally, I think I'm as prepared as I can be at this time...there's so much that I just don't know -- and won't know until I get there -- and I realize I just have to keep taking my concerns and fears and thoughts to the Lord in prayer and leave them in His hands. I'm also very thankful for my good physical health and strength.

Financially, I have almost 100% of my support -- praise the Lord, my Jehovah Jireh, for His marvelous provision -- and I have a huge prayer support base, which I am so very thankful for!!

Spiritually, my times of reading/studying God's Word and prayer have become so meaningful as God meets me and reveals Himself to me, and I hope that I never lose sight of that.

Isaiah 48:17

This is what the Lord says—your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.

STEP BY STEP

Wow, God has brought circumstances together so quickly in the past few months! It hardly feels possible but, Lord willing, I will be leaving for Ukraine on August 27th!!

God has already laid out the path, and step by step He is revealing that to me. I continue to be amazed at how He is at work in my life, and I hope that never changes, because He is an awesome God!!

My visa application is filled out and pretty much ready to go; I'm just waiting to receive the LOI (Letter Of Invitation) that is on its way to me, and then I can send it off to be processed. The plane tickets have been purchased and paid for - hooray!! And I am slowly but surely making progress with the packing.

My financial support is still lacking a little bit -- I continue to pray daily that God will raise up the people He wants to partner with me in this ministry so that my support will be at 100% by the time I leave.

I have a wonderful team of prayer supporters all across Canada -- and words are inadequate to express just how thankful I am!!

This past week I just finished my Pre-Field Orientation at EFCCM Home Office - it was very challenging, but also very encouraging as we shared our journeys and learned and gained insights from a couple who have been missionaries for many years. I am looking forward to the next steps of the journey!!

"Oh God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You! Oh God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You! I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways, and step by step You'll lead me and I will follow You all of my days."

LOOKING UP...AND HOLDING ON

The title describes how I am living day-by-day as I prepare for one of the biggest changes in my life. But it is something that I have to continually remind myself of, because learning to walk by faith is a process. I am so thankful that God is patient with me and that "He knows [my] frame, He remembers that [I am] dust" -- Psalm 103:14.

Looking Up -- I have been making a decided effort to spend time in God's Word and prayer before I start every day, and I've asked my prayer partner to help keep me accountable. Without this, it is incredibly easy to start looking at my circumstances and wondering if I'm going to be able to do what I need to do and how everything is going to come together. I need to keep "looking unto Jesus."

I started this post back in April, but am now finishing it on May 25th, and I am amazed at how God continues to teach me what He wants to do in my life...

Holding On -- It is easy, being a short-sighted and finite human being, to lose sight of what God has already done and what He is going to do to fulfil the good purposes He has for me. This "holding on" is, I believe, how we keep focus in the midst of changes and uncertainties. I need to remember what the LORD, our Sovereign God, has done already and to keep holding on to the truth that He "is faithful to all His promises" (Psalm 145), and as I do that, I will be encouraged as I continue to take steps of faith and trust along the way.

A SEEKING HEART

I was reminded of a familiar Scripture today as I was reflecting on the past few days and I realized its truth in a new way: "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well (Matthew 6:33)."

Of late I've been praying: "Lord, give me wisdom/guide me/show me Your will for my life." This is good, but it can be so easy to focus just on me and on what I think is needed in my life, rather than truly seeking Him. He promised in Jeremiah 29:13 that "you will seek Me and you will find Me when you seek Me with all your heart."

What does this mean for me? A few things, I believe:

1) As I go to work, I pray that God will help me to look at the people around me with love and to seek ways to be a blessing to them, not just to make it through the day without complaints/frustration.

2) As I seek where God would lead me in ministry, I pray that I would pour myself into my current ministry, trusting Him to enable and equip me for today and for the future.

3) Seeking His kingdom and His righteousness means turning my focus outward and being more faithful in praying for others in their ministries.

I'll close simply with a few stanzas from a poem written by Olga J. Weiss:

Give me a burden, O Lord, for the lost,
A burden for souls gone astray,
So that many now lost in the darkness of sin
May find Thee, the Truth and the Way.

Give me a burden, O Lord, till Thy love
Shall fill me with power divine:
Then emptied of self and lost in Thy love
The light through the darkness shall shine.

Give me a burden till my heart shall bleed:
Give me a vision to see the great need;
Stir me, oh stir, till my heart e'er shall be
Burning for souls, all ablaze, Lord for Thee.

A PRAYER

I was reading Nehemiah chapter 1 on Wednesday morning for my devotional, and the way that Nehemiah prayed struck me in a profound way. I believe that the following characteristics of his prayer to the LORD are an example of how we ought to pray:
      - He acknowledges who God is and what His character is like.
      - He confesses his sins and the sins of his people.
      - He declares his trust in God's promises
      - He prays with a humble attitude.

So as I prepared for the day, I took the time to write out the prayer that was on my heart...

Lord God of heaven, my great and awesome and faithful God, You who hold the entire universe in Your hand, You know everything that concerns your servant. Please let your ear be attentive to my cry and meet me in my place of need.

I have sinned, Lord - I have acted in selfishness and pride, thinking that I could make a difference at work if I just try harder and put more of my own effort into it. I took upon myself a burden too heavy for me to bear alone and I forgot that I can only prosper if I first surrender it all to You, Lord.

In Your mercy, O God, because You have promised that You will not place us in a situation where You will not give us the strength and grace to bear up under the pressure, I pray that You would show Yourself faithful to me again. Not because I deserve it, but because I long to trust You more.

Lord, You know what awaits me this day and in the coming days. I confess that I am worried about many things, including whether or not I will be able to meet all the expectations of me, and right now I surrender that worry to you.

O Lord God, my desire is to honor You each day and in all that I do to reflect the kind of trust You desire to see in Your humble servant. Please remind me daily, Lord, that You are with me and that You are in control. May I serve with joy, knowing that it is not my own strength, but Yours that enables me and carries me through.

In the precious and holy name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, my Saviour, amen.