Still On The Journey...

"Your trip may be over, but a new journey has begun.

In fact, the second journey may be one of the primary reasons

why God called you to go on the first one."

~ Tim Dearborn ~

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written

in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand

—when I awake, I am still with you. ~Psalm 139:14-18 ~

When I contemplate the quote above along with these truths from God's Word, I am reminded of God's sovereign guidance in my life and His awesome love for me, and those two things are the most important to remember in all the choices, struggles and decisions of life.

I believe that I have struggled with this because I tend to focus on achieving the goal, and I don't always recognize what's taking place on the way to get there. During my 9 months of intensive language study, this was one of the biggest realizations - and it's one of those lessons that I will continue to learn because it applies to ALL areas of life. When I started studying Russian, I often wanted to be able to understand now and my teacher continually reminded me that the comprehension would come as I progressed step by step. I had to learn to rejoice in the process - no matter how slow it seemed - and to recognize what I was learning in the moment instead of looking ahead to what I though was most important.

Since coming back to Canada, I have realized that being able to adequately answer the "why" questions is not the most important thing; rather, it is to be able to identify what God has been and is still teaching me on this journey of following Him.

I started this blog sometime in the summer of 2014, a few months after returning home to Canada, and I did not finish it at that time. In the many months since, God has continually been showing me truths about Him and about myself and has been changing me from the inside out in various ways.

I want to share with you the life-transforming lessons I have been learning on my journey of knowing, loving and following my Lord, but they are too many for just one blog post.

So... I will be writing several entries over the next little while, and I hope that what I share from my heart will be an encouragement and maybe even a challenge for you as well.

Change is a Process...

You know the phrase: "Please be patient; God's not finished with me yet."

It usually gets pulled out and applied at moments when we feel we've really messed up or at times when we are painfully aware of our weakness and inadequacy. But it is not simply something to say in an awkward situation - it is a hopeful declaration.

I don't know about you, but I am EXTREMELY grateful that we have such a patient and gracious God - He NEVER gives up on us when we sin, miss the mark, disappoint Him, ourselves and others, or make any number of mistakes.

Because of Christ, when we accept His sacrifice for us on the cross and surrender our lives to Him, God the Father now sees us not as flawed human beings, but as precious children clothed in the righteousness of His Son, and He is constantly working in and through us to change us so that we reflect the image of Jesus and bring glory and praise to Himself.

But make no mistake...this is a PROCESS, and one that continues day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute.

I think of the beautiful allegory "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard ... the Shepherd had promised Much-Afraid to bring her to the high places, to perfect her and to fulfil the deepest yearnings of her soul. But every time on the journey where the path seemed to lead away from the goal, Much-Afraid lost sight of the Shepherd's love and faithfulness and fell captive to her fear again. Then she would call out to the Shepherd and He would come immediately and patiently remind her that He would keep His promise. He asked her if she would she trust Him even though it didn't make sense? And then she would build an altar and make a sacrifice, picking up a stone to carry with her as a reminder of the lesson she had learned. It was only at the end of the journey that the stones were turned into precious jewels for a crown, and that she was ready to receive what the Shepherd had promised.

How like Much-Afraid I am sometimes! And how wonderfully patient and gracious is our Good Shepherd - He meets us right where we are at and, though He may discipline us to bring us to the point of surrender, He never condemns us for our weakness, but rather reminds us of His strength. Then He picks us up and sets us back on the path He has chosen for us, the path that will transform us and conform us to His perfect will.

I have been doing some soul-searching lately and have recognized some things in my heart and my life that need to be changed. I have been fighting a battle with my flesh and through Christ I know I will gain the victory, even though I'm not quite there yet. And today I had to face once again certain areas of weakness that affect my ability to effectively serve others.

It is not comfortable, but recognizing our failings and weaknesses is the starting point to move forward, to grow and change. I write this with tears in my eyes, but my heart is also hopeful because I know that God will never let go of me. As long as I seek Him, He will guide me and He will take me through the valleys when He knows there is a lesson there I need to learn, and I will eventually come out on the other side.

A little chorus we sang often when I was a child says this:

"Little by little, every day; little by little in every way,

my Jesus is changing me, He's changing me.

Since I made a turn-about face, I've been walking in His grace, my Jesus is changing me.

He lives in me - God's Holy Spirit - I'm not the same person that I used to be.

Sometimes it's slow going,

but there's a knowing that one day like Him I will be."

When we're in the midst of a refining fire, it's not pleasant. But God has promised to "take away our heart of stone and give us a new heart, a heart of flesh." He has promised to "complete the good work He started in us" until the day we come face to face with Jesus. And He has promised that we will find Him "when we seek Him with all our hearts."

I echo the words of the apostle Paul in Philippians 3: "...not that I have already achieved all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on towards the goal to take hold of the prize for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

It's NOT easy to be still and wait for God.
It's NOT easy to admit when I'm wrong and to face my weaknesses.
It's NOT easy to face the reality that God's plan is not only different from, but better than my own.

But it's ALWAYS good and, if the desire of my heart is truly to please Him and to become more like Him every day, then it's WORTH IT!

And it's not going to happen because of my goals or my determination to succeed, but only as I humble myself before my LORD and allow Him to continue the process of refining me. And when my life brings forth fruit, ALL the praise and honour goes to Him.

All Through The Night

Normally when my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep for the night. It's rare that anything - even my often crazy dreams - interrupts my sleep. But early this morning, that's exactly what happened, and I knew the instant I awoke that something was not right.

Thankfully, I can't remember most of the nightmare - a few things still remain in my memory - but suffice to say that I awoke suddenly at about 3:00 am with my heart pounding heavily and a palpable sense of fear surrounding me. Although my eyes opened immediately and, although I could somewhat see my surroundings and I knew I was in my bed, it still felt a little like I was in the dream.

I knew I couldn't just go back to sleep - if I closed my eyes, I would be right back in the middle of it. So I just started quietly singing - with a quivering voice - the first worship song that came to mind. "Jesus, all for Jesus, all I am and have and ever hope to be..." By the time I had sung through the song, I had calmed a little but my heart was still pounding.

I continued singing, songs that focused on the name of Jesus, because I know that just saying His name has a powerful impact in these kind of situations. Once my heart was beating normally again, I began to pray aloud. I claimed the truth that God's Holy Spirit lives within me and was present right there in the room with me, and I thanked God for His strength, sovereignty, power, omniscience, and anything else I could think of. I prayed for protection over friends and family and asked for a covering of peace over me so that I could rest easily until it was time for me to get up. I read Psalm 121 in both English and Russian and sang quietly, "I lift my eyes up...to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from You, Maker of heaven, Creator of the earth..."

Finally, it felt like the darkness and oppression I had experienced in the dream had lifted and I could no longer keep my eyes open, so I prayed for God to watch over my mind and then I rolled over and immediately went back to sleep. I think I had probably been awake for about 40 minutes.

Praise the Lord, I slept peacefully until I got out of bed about 4 hours later! I don't even remember what thoughts went through my mind or if I dreamed anything after that point. But I was very conscious of the sweet, comforting presence of my Lord surrounding me. It was almost as though His arms were literally holding me as I slept.

I believe that what happened in the wee hours of this morning was a spiritual attack of the enemy. I don't know why or what precipitated it - but I could clearly sense a spirit of darkness in the dream and in the moments after I awoke. And I battled it as best I could with the power of prayer, worship and God's Word.

Ephesians 6:11-12 says this: "Put on all the armor that God gives you, so that you will be able to stand up against the devil's evil tricks. For we are not fighting against human beings but against the wicked spiritual forces in this world; the rulers, authorities and cosmic powers of this dark age."

We know that our enemy will attack - but we often don't know when or how. So we must have our armor at the ready. The Spirit of God within me helped me to recognize what was really going on and I am so thankful for all the songs and Scripture I have memorized so that I did not have to think hard about where to begin to combat the darkness that was surrounding me.

Jesus Christ has won the victory over our enemy and through His blood and by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can win every spiritual battle. I hate to have my sleep interrupted, but I am thankful that I woke up when I did and was able to find peace for my spirit again.

My closing thought is a remembrance of a little song my mom used to sing to us at bedtime when we were children - especially when we had trouble sleeping:

Jesus is with me all through the night,

Stays close beside me all through the night;

So I sleep safely till morning light;

Jesus is with me all through the night.